Monologue on Introspection

I am supposed to be sleeping now but I chose to stay up and put this thought on this sheet. I have to wake up at 4 a.m. for my laundry but I prefer to skip on it just in case I don’t make it on time. I chose to give up tomorrow and just live at this very moment without thinking of the consequences that I might get from deviating from my routine highly structured life. I am stirred from the inside after some ordinary moments today.

I hate myself for not attending the first Friday Mass. I know I should have been there and  I felt awful about being too lazy or probably because I am a person who sets the day in a timeline and something that come out in the middle would be considered less. I don’t know, I hate myself for taking spirituality for granted.

So why am I staying up this late to begin with a rant about being lazy? I don’t know. Today, I just felt it again. I heard those voices again from within telling me that there’s more to life than what it is now. Earlier, I receive a gift from my friends. It was a book I long to buy 3-4 years ago but I couldn’t because it is expensive but today it came instantaneously and I can’t just think of any better reason than it was meant for a purpose. I don’t know what I am writing here but I know I have it on my hand because it was meant to be utilized in its entirety. The book is about being this person who I wanted or I desire to be but time and circumstances did not jive so I have to take another path hoping that one day along the way, I’ll have that chance.

What I am saying (writing) is that—probably it was never too late to be who I should be. I know I have been good and sometimes bad; but I always got this second chance. When everything else gets cloudy and I felt like a total moron, I am reminded through simple moments who I want to be and the direction I should be taking. Yes, I am in this place I never initially wanted but because I have to, I pushed my luck one more time and alter my directionless life. Sometimes, I am caught lost with the details of what should be done that I forget the greater picture. I focus on the routine and ancillary but missing out the substance.

Anything could happen and events might turn the other way around. I should accept that. But here I am; I am given with all of these circumstances? Should I allow my conditions to dictate how I live my being? I am certain I do not have the right platform and the luxury of time to pursue my heart desires, but I definitely have NOW. I have the present. I have my family and friends. I have the resources. I have my God. I have this purpose. I have this life.

I would be very too late for rants. It is never too late to become who I wanted to be. God and the universe have been helping me despite my sinful self. My family and friends are in full support for my success. Why am I letting myself down? It is time! I’ll be using all my gifts to be the best of my niche. I’ll be giving out my best so I won’t have regrets. I am going to savor every second I am alive. Perform well, learn from mistakes and build the life I wanted for myself and my family. I am going to use my past for inspirations; the future for motivation and hope; and today to fulfil my destiny.

This is my life and I am claiming it today! 

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Drop off Point

I’ve always have this imaginary tie with my friends. It’s like a deeper connection of what it actually is. I’ve thought of them as suddenly appearing from nowhere and we’ll instantly have this catch-up session. Sometimes, I see us as ‘being there’ but not actually.

Last weekend, I thought about how everything had changed. It has been 3,4, 5 years since the last complete cast of the photographs are around and time slipped so fast that we are no longer the same people we are. Some of us have flown away and some are have cut communication line. Are we really doomed to experience such warmth only to break it apart?

All of the sudden, One Direction’s History played over my headphone and the flashbacks gush forth uncontrollably. I remember the young days when all I’ve do is to hang-out with my friends at the local internet shop or billiards pool. I remember spending late afternoons at my closest friend’s house until my parents would look after me. I remember studying at the library with my classmates at the University or eating lunch together at the nearest cafeteria.

Then those days of raging youthfulness knock at my memory. I remember all of them. The drinking session which lead to a dead bad habit. I remember the hard core laughs, teasing, and out-of-town escapades. I remember the petty quarrels and moment of camaraderie. I remember waking up with bottles of alcohol and those buddies who failed to go home.

I remember my office-mates and our limitless adventure. I recall every grain of those happy and stressful days during busy seasons. I remember every special moment we have shared and those memories only us can recreate.

But all those days are gone. We could no longer recreate them. We could no longer go backward and remain the same people we are. Yesterdays are nothing but images and can never be relived. I miss all of those and sometimes I wish I could have that chance to relive the best one even for a day but of course that’s not possible.

Now that we are apart, it felt like you have to go down at some drop off point. Some probably left first while others stayed for awhile; but everyone leaves. No one could stay in the bus for good as it is meant only to transport us to our destination.

Now that I have seen how much time has gone by, I realized I should not get stuck with the memories. Although I keep on moving forward, it still felt like I am still on that bus imagining all my comrades besides me. And because I have enjoyed fantasizing our good old days, I forgot my destination and continued with the directionless journey.

I think I need to know where I am heading and go down at that drop-off point regardless of who’s there or not. We take our journey with people but it doesn’t mean we will end it up with them. I am happy to see my good friends find there life and I would always long to see and be with them. But our time is up, and we need to embrace our individual life, culture it, and attain its utmost realization.

I’ll be waving my hand to the good friends who left the bus at their drop-off point and hoping they are happy wherever they are. Only time and circumstances can tell if we are meant to see each other but whatever our future holds, all of them will always be on my thoughts.

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EPILOGUE: History and it’s curse

As soon as the pictures started to fill the empty white spaces, I felt the air becomes thinner and breathing becomes totally difficult. I heard One Direction’s “History” and everything just turns shapeless while I try to hold those memories on my hand.

Oh history; since when did I get interested in a somewhat bleak subject in my early days. Today, it seems history means everything to me and sometimes I think it’s all I’ve got.

I am not sure if it is just the effect of entering adulthood where you parents are getting too old, where friends are nowhere to be found, that old good days are fading inside your brain, but this phase of my life is somehow too complex. It’s like you have jumped the other side but your shoes got stuck from your take-off point.

Every day, I see images from my childhood, my teenage life, school days and sometimes cool days at the universities. Remembering is both an easy at the same time a dreadful task; like a memory is being thrown to my face and the moment I started to cherish it, all drifts apart instantaneously.

I know lingering in the past is not the best thing to do especially if you are up to something big or great in the future but for some unknown conditions I carried the past with me and I am thinking how to make it work for me. As much as I wanted to look forward with certainty, I find it hard and vague; even the present is somehow borrowed which left me to go back to the great happy past. I don’t know. Most of the times, nothing is making sense though I got the feeling this will lead into something better and would probably make sense.

So, where should I begin remembering?

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Please help me remember. Take me back to yesterday

I want to remember.

Every time I stride back further to my childhood I find it hard to breathe. Every time, I place the pieces of the puzzles into a solid form, they just drift apart uncontrollably. I am stuck into this vortex of the past that I cannot let go. I mean, why should I? This is the only place I feel safe and infinitely happy.

I remember the town. I remember the tricycle; the afternoon trip to the mini-supermarket. I remember walking around the city with sun rays hitting my skin. I remember the night skies and how they exactly look like when all the neighbours’ lights are turned off. I remember the smell of the streets; so distinct and pure. I remember the places I usually hide when the world becomes too cruel to bear. I remember the foods I used to buy with my little money. I remember the faces of the people; the children playing around the park, the adults watching them. I remember the taste of the bread baked by our local bakery. I remember the rainy afternoon I  take a sip of Dunkin donuts coffee. I remember wet market and how lively it was when locals rush to buy food to be served at dinner. I remember my aunt; the smile she throws.

I do not know where this is leading. I just want to remember even this piece turns into a smudge. I want to remember childhood. I want to remember growing up. I want to remember how I conquered and transcend or broke my life into what it is now. I wanted to remember every detail of freedom, adventure and careless endeavours. I want to remember what happiness felt like when I was a kid. I want to remember how our cable TV got connected and how I collected the leaves of every plant that I passed. I wanted to remember my childhood friends. I want to remember their parents and how forgiving they were when I messed up on their houses.

I know I should not live in that place. It was not that rich in inspiration but somehow I felt my strength is there. My armor was left there and I want it back. I miss the days. I miss them badly and I cannot draw the whole picture. I want to remember who I was, how I turned to be me, and who I should or could have been.

This is a painful yet self-filling process. I want to remember.

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